It took me 2 days to finally see that her feet were different, they didn't fit into sleepers like my boys did, and when I would change her diaper her little feet would go right up into her bum and girl parts making it a challange. 2 days to start to think and question how she would walk on those feet, or how would someone fix feet so special like hers. Once I got home I started researching it, trying to understand what exactly we were going to be facing. I had figured some physiotherapy, maybe some surgery and everything would be great. I was horrified to realize that my daughter, the beuatiful little girl would have a 4+ year medical journey ahead of her. She would need weeks of casts, a surgery and then a bar between her legs...all the pictures of cute little clubfoot kids wearing the boots and bars made me cry, and to be honest go into a panic attack. It looked like a torture device and the thought of everything my little girl would have to go through became too unbearable to me, it hurt my heart so much I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I couldn't breath and a million questions starting flooding through my head all at once.
My brain starting firing questions at me like crazy; will she be able to walk, can she still be active and do sports if she wants, how would I pay for all this, where can I find a doctor, will she be in pain, what will people say when they see her in cast, will people stare, how do you change a diaper with casts, what about with those bars, what will she wear, will she fit in her carseat....it really just went on and on and on.
I was so overwhelmed I think I cried on and off for 2 days. I didn't want to be by myself, I was afraid of the silence it gave me a chance to think, and to totally break down. I really felt broken, I felt like I did something wrong that caused my daughter to have so many struggles she did not deserve. I wanted so badly to go to bed and wake up still pregnant with a little baby with feet just like my sons, a baby who wouldn't have to overcome anything so young. Then I would feel guilty and angry for feeling that way, she was perfect! I went back and fourth like this for 2 days crying.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Our begginning
Disclaimer - I am being honest with my feeling at this time and it may be hard for some to read. I assure you this is how I felt at the time and not how I feel now
Our journey with clubfeet started on August 17 2013. I was 5 days overdue and was so happy to be in labor and meet my little surprise baby, and my first daughter! When she was born all I remember is being so in love instantly. Looking back I get very emotional and don't know how to feel about my reaction or lack of reaction would be more accurate.
I remember my midwife wiping her down as she layed on belly, I remember her wiping her feet and mumbling something about the stiffness. I really don't remember what she said to be honest, to me in that moment I didn't see what everyone else in the room saw. I had 2 midwives, 1 midwifery student, my mom, sister, husband, my oldest son and also my niece. Every other person in the room noticed they all look back and talk about her feet and how surprised they were and how worried they were and concerned. Me....not at all. I was just simply in love with my perfect little baby, a little girl! Thinking back I cry every time. I am brought right back to that room to that time and cannot understand why I didn't see what everyone else did.
I lived blissful for 2 days. Showing off my baby girl to visitors calmly telling and showing family and freinds my sweet little daughter and her imperfect perfect little feet. I would watch their reactions and could tell they were surprised when they seen her feet a look of shock quickly appearing accoss thier face before they would regain thier composure and follow my lead with the no big deal everything is perfect mood.
I don't know what made it finally hit me about the severity of what was going on with her feet. I didn't really put any thought into how you would fix feet like hers, i dont even know if I thought they needed to be fixed; and anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...I am an over thinker by nature. I remember changing her diaper and that being the only time that I would actually think about her feet at all, and the only thing I would think was how hard it was to change her diaper! I loved her feet and how they perfectly fit curled up into each other and her little bottom.
I was blissfully in love with my daughter and was in a little happy bubble for those first couple of days.
Our journey with clubfeet started on August 17 2013. I was 5 days overdue and was so happy to be in labor and meet my little surprise baby, and my first daughter! When she was born all I remember is being so in love instantly. Looking back I get very emotional and don't know how to feel about my reaction or lack of reaction would be more accurate.
I remember my midwife wiping her down as she layed on belly, I remember her wiping her feet and mumbling something about the stiffness. I really don't remember what she said to be honest, to me in that moment I didn't see what everyone else in the room saw. I had 2 midwives, 1 midwifery student, my mom, sister, husband, my oldest son and also my niece. Every other person in the room noticed they all look back and talk about her feet and how surprised they were and how worried they were and concerned. Me....not at all. I was just simply in love with my perfect little baby, a little girl! Thinking back I cry every time. I am brought right back to that room to that time and cannot understand why I didn't see what everyone else did.
I lived blissful for 2 days. Showing off my baby girl to visitors calmly telling and showing family and freinds my sweet little daughter and her imperfect perfect little feet. I would watch their reactions and could tell they were surprised when they seen her feet a look of shock quickly appearing accoss thier face before they would regain thier composure and follow my lead with the no big deal everything is perfect mood.
I don't know what made it finally hit me about the severity of what was going on with her feet. I didn't really put any thought into how you would fix feet like hers, i dont even know if I thought they needed to be fixed; and anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...I am an over thinker by nature. I remember changing her diaper and that being the only time that I would actually think about her feet at all, and the only thing I would think was how hard it was to change her diaper! I loved her feet and how they perfectly fit curled up into each other and her little bottom.
I was blissfully in love with my daughter and was in a little happy bubble for those first couple of days.
A little late
I should have started this blog months ago. I am hoping to create a place to document my daughters progress and treatment of her clubfeet. I want to have a place other parents can come to get information and helpful advice. I want to create the place I was looking for when my journey started with Ariella...but that will be another post. I hope I am able to make a blog that can help parents through the journey of clubfeet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)