Bursting the bubble

It took me 2 days to finally see that her feet were different, they didn't fit into sleepers like my boys did, and when I would change her diaper her little feet would go right up into her bum and girl parts making it a challange. 2 days to start to think and question how she would walk on those feet, or how would someone fix feet so special like hers. Once I got home I started researching it, trying to understand what exactly we were going to be facing. I had figured some physiotherapy, maybe some surgery and everything would be great. I was horrified to realize that my daughter, the beuatiful little girl would have a 4+ year medical journey ahead of her. She would need weeks of casts, a surgery and then a bar between her legs...all the pictures of cute little clubfoot kids wearing the boots and bars made me cry, and to be honest go into a panic attack. It looked like a torture device and the thought of everything my little girl would have to go through became too unbearable to me, it hurt my heart so much I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I couldn't breath and a million questions starting flooding through my head all at once.

My brain starting firing questions at me like crazy; will she be able to walk, can she still be active and do sports if she wants,  how would I pay for all this, where can I find a doctor, will she be in pain, what will people say when they see her in cast, will people stare, how do you change a diaper with casts, what about with those bars, what will she wear, will she fit in her carseat....it really just went on and on and on.

I was so overwhelmed I think I cried on and off for 2 days. I didn't want to be by myself, I was afraid of the silence it gave me a chance to think, and to totally break down. I really felt broken, I felt like I did something wrong that caused my daughter to have so many struggles she did not deserve. I wanted so badly to go to bed and wake up still pregnant with a  little baby with feet just like my sons, a baby who wouldn't have to overcome anything so young. Then I would feel guilty and angry for feeling that way, she was perfect! I went back and fourth like this for 2 days crying.